It is 4am.  My mouth is dry, my head hurts, I can't get back to sleep and when I walked into the kitchen this morning, it all hit home for there, ready to go, is a newborn car seat.  Right now, it sits empty in the middle of our kitchen floor but in a few days, it will hold our most precious investment.  I can't help but wonder if I am completely crazy.  Why did I ever think I could this? Among other duties, for nearly the last ten-years, I have answered the phone, copied files, made coffee, smiled when I didn't feel like it, scheduled basketball practices for intense coaches and PET scans for worried patients.  I think I have learned every teenage 'trick in the book;' helped keep the I-High safe from intruders; learned how to run an EKG machine, code lab reports and give injections; calmed crazy parents, consoled crying kids and laughed with my coworkers.  Not one single day of my life was ever the same and as much as I dreaded going to work some mornings, I loved the hustle and bustle of my job and the people and stories it brought into my life everyday.  It was my comfort zone and now, it is no more.  Today, I will embark on a new journey, job, task, labor and lifestyle - motherhood.  I feel like I skipped the interview for the most imperative job of my life and I start today!  In just a little over an hour, my doctor will begin the induction process and sometime today we will welcome Baby Lake into the world.  I have already felt quite a bit of movement from him this morning!  I am sure he is preparing for his grand entrance and I am nervously waiting to hold him and and become acquainted with this new, special little person.   

After transferring my blogs to Wordpress, I have barely blogged at all and didn't find Wordpress as user friendly as Blogspot and Xanga, so I am switching back! Here are a few postings I made on Wordpress in the meantime.

What It Means ~ March 23rd

Yesterday, as I was laundering hand-me-downs and some second-hand clothes we bought for Lake, reality gripped me ~ I am washing baby clothes for my baby that will be here in a very short amount of time!  The more active Lake becomes everyday (he is doing acrobatics in my belly as I sit here and type) makes me more eager to meet him, a little anxious and more than a little excited that I will be (am) a mother.  It all feels almost too good to be true, but it is happening and we will soon be not two, but three; nearly everything about our lifestyle as 'just a couple' will do a 180° and our fun adventure will begin. 

I have blogged my mom thoughts on another blog, www.carpenterdna.blogspot.com, but this week, with the reality of being a mother setting-in, I have been thinking about various aspects of motherhood more than ever.  As my due date draws near, I feel closer to my own mother in a spiritual/emotional way that, up until this point, I have not felt.  Perhaps, it is the camaraderie that binds all responsible mothers to a certain extent: 9 mos. of pregnancy, the responsibility of motherhood, the emotions that only a mother can feel and the understanding of one another we share.  Mothers who genuinely desire the best for their children and yes, I believe there are some mothers who do not, are willing to engage in self-reflection, look past today and envision their influence on the future.  This activity is not carried-out with a "change the world" attitude in mind but with the awareness that the act of mothering ~ being the source, protector and nurturer of human life is one's 'mark' on society; not the only mark, but perhaps the most influential. 

During the past seven months, I have reflected on the lives of my grandparents, their stories and how various decisions, traits and states-of-being have influenced my family and me as an individual.  Jake, Shirley, Wayne and Anne continue to live in me and through me, will influence my children along with my husband and his family will be an influence as well.  I am grateful to my mother and father for transferring to me a realistic view of their childhoods (both were reared in alcoholic homes) combined with an extremely positive attitude, respect and regard for their parents.  When I look at my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, I see Overcomers ~ each one fighting battles and winning while exemplifying tenacity and integrity.  I am sure each one, at one time or another, felt like playing the victim role, 'burying their head in the sand' and commencing a pity-party, but in spite of mistakes, turmoil and the natural human feelings of helplessness that arise, I have watched every single one of them come out on top.  This observation of humanity is what I want Lake to visualize most of all. 

So, how do all of these thoughts relate to my being a mother?  Well, the following are some of the lessons I have learned from my own mother and they can be applied to virtually any situation in life, including relationships with those we love:  the personage and decisions of others are beyond our control and thank goodness for that truth!  Each person has the say-so and each person must take responsibility for their say-so.  My right to this or that ends where my child's or my husband's rights begin and viceversa.  A balance and give-take from all parties must exist in order to maintain harmony.  A willingness to forgive is also necessary, but I will never discount the power of introspection, honesty, accepting personal responsibility vs. dispensing blame and respecting the personal rights of others.  Many people live their whole life loathing the chronic animosity and discord present in their relationships with those whom they purportedly love, wondering what they could have possibly done, waiting for the other party to apologize and grovel and yet never honestly contemplate their own behavior.  If Lake doesn't learn anything else from his mother and others surrounding him, I hope he learns to 'take the high road,' remain determined and believe that it is within our power to define life in the fullest and most meaningful terms.  The foundations of this principle are acceptance that one is not always in control and the resolve to remain sensitive and open when one is met with an impasse.  Acceptance and resolve, combined with self-awareness and selflessness create the catalyst for breakthroughs which incite one to live and not just survive.  Personal responsibility/humility is key for any change to occur.  Gandhi stated, "I claim to be a simple individual, liable to err like any other fellow mortal.  I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps."  The acts of "confessing errors and retracing steps" are neither easy nor are they always desirable, but are necessary for the healthy survival of a family unit, personal growth, respect and admiration. 

Today, we enjoyed the opportunity of witnessing Daniel being sworn-in to the United States Navy!  The event took place in mom's office at the high school.  Daniel will report to Officer Candidate School in Newport, RI on March 15th.  It is no surprise to those of us close to Daniel that his life journey has taken this turn.  We are very proud of him and wish him all the best, although this big sister is going to miss him a great deal and will have to learn not to worry about him each and every day.  Congratulations, (Uncle) Daniel, we love you!

After nearly five years of working as the lone receptionist (and two years as an attendance secretary) for the largest school in my state (2300+ enrollment), I feel that I have a few words of wisdom for parents concerning school etiquette.  When followed, these rules may assist you in having a more, shall we say, pleasant(?) experience when dealing with your child's school. 

1.  Remember that your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for teachers, principals or office staff.  Yes, your daughter may have a doctor's appointment in ten minutes, but that does not give you excuse to butt in front of other parents who have been waiting longer than you; interrupt the receptionist while she is on the phone or rudely announce the fact that you are in a hurry and your request must be taken care of ASAP.  Frankly,  no one really cares; you should have planned your day accordingly.  This rule also applies when, nearing the end of the semester, you finally decide to become an attentive parent and realize that "Johnny" or "Jane" is quite close to flunking one or more classes.  All semester, you have ignored phone calls/emails/letters; don't be surprised when the teacher, counselor or principal does not jump through hoops to return any last-minute attempts at contact you have made.  And yes, the school receptionist does think you are a disconnected parent when you call and do not know what grade your child is in, the names of his/her teachers or the school's e-mail format.

2.  Let teachers teach.  Teachers in a large metropolis generally have at least 150 students to instruct.  It is your responsibility to be the parent so that teachers are free to do their job.  Here are a few ideas to get you started ~ A. Teach your child(ren) basic rules of respect and courtesy.  B. If they must cuss, they need to do it at home.  C. Don't wait for the teacher to contact you concerning grades, homework, behavior in class, etc.  A short e-mail requesting any or all of this information will take, at the most, five minutes of your time.  D. When a teacher contacts you with disturbing information, listen, discuss and don't believe a damn word your child says.   

3.  Be aware of what your child is wearing when they walk out the front door everyday.  If you are not willing to do this, don't be ticked at school staff when you receive a phone call requesting that you bring your child a change of clothing because he or she is dressed "out of dress code." 

4.  Encourage your child to adhere to the rules while they are at school.  You might think the rules are silly, but you are not in a building with 2300+ plus teens everyday.  We do have to maintain some sense of control. 

5.  When you receive a call from a school official (god forbid!), make sure you hear them out before you cuss them out.  Chances are, they wouldn't be calling you unless they feel it is necessary.  Remember, security cameras generally don't lie and neither do 2-1500 other students who visually witnessed your child beat the crap out of another student, pocket/distribute pot or pills, cuss-out the teacher, etc.; unless, of course, we are living out a conspiracy theory-type book which, unfortanately for your child, we are not. 

6.  Be the adult.  Always.  Choose to be the adult.

7.  Don't be the type of parent a future mom like me observes and then says to herself, " I hope I am never one of those parents."  Examples:  pushy and rude (see #1), loud, arrogant, stupid (yes, your sandwich bags are disappearing at a rapid pace for a reason), self-righteous,  naive, 'special' (cheer mom, pom mom, PTA mom, etc.)....

I am sure I will continue to add to this list as long as the pregnancy hormones are raging and parents remain fallible.

When I was little, I loved days when it was cold enough outside for my mom to make homemade hot chocolate.  I don't know that she ever used a recipe, but I know she always made a dutch-oven full so the four of us could have all we wanted.  If I were still at home, today would have been a day I begged for hot chocolate so I decided to make some for me and DJ.  The sleet is still coming down outside, we both stayed home from work and you can't beat a cup of hot cocoa to sip by the fire.  This recipe is rich to balance out all the whipped cream I squirt on top (or marshmallows), so you can add more milk or cream for your taste if desired.  My husband prefers to add a little peppermint schnapps in his.

Good Hot Chocolate

2 cups milk

1 cup half-n-half (or whipping cream for a creamier blend)

1 tsp. or so (I didn't measure) vanilla

1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (or chocolate candy bar pieces)

1/4 cup and a little more sugar

1/8 (little more or less) cup cocoa

Heat the milk products slowly, stirring constantly.  Add chocolate morsels or candy bar pieces and stir till melted.  Whisk in sugar and cocoa until dissolved.  Add vanilla. Cook on low until heated through.  Add desired flavorings or toppings.  Serve and Enjoy!

Lately, I have felt pretty un-inspired in my blogging so I have edited and pasted a post I wrote many years ago for a different blog.  This post concerns my opinions and thoughts concerning religion and its place in my own personal life, in my home and influence on my children. My Selling Myself blog includes more details concerning my journey from fundamentalist Christianity to where I am today, but this excerpt sums up my basic desires as a mother who wishes to raise ethical, tolerant children.    

Let me first begin by saying that religion is one of those conditions that one is born in to.  I was reared Christian because that is the religion of my parents.  When it came to my own 'personal faith and profession', I had no choice.  To not choose Christianity is to burn in hell forever.  Many a sermon (I would say 97%) make mention of this fact over and over again.  Fear is definitely a tactic used in the Christian religion to motivate in many different ways - salvation, giving, serving and living.  I don't believe that I was meant to be Christian.  I was never secure in my decision (baptized three times) and was continually plagued with fears and questions.  I cannot tell you how many times I would wake up in the middle of the night at a young age, not hear a sound and know that the rapture had taken place and I was 'left'.  My sister was always there lying on the bed next to me and she was my reassurance, but I still would peek into my parent's bedroom many times to make sure they were both there, sleeping soundly.  This was a constant issue for me.  Fear was a constant issue - fear that I was not good enough, that God would forget about me, and that I didn't hold my mouth right or say the right thing.  On and on and on it went until I finally gave up at the age of 22.  I decided that if the representation of God that was presented to me was correct, I wanted no matter part of it.  I no longer wanted to fear.  Most things I do not know for sure but I do know one thing - I did not get here on my own and if the same God that created me also created all the wonderful people that I enjoy, the nature I enjoy, the emotions that make life real, then I don't need to worry about it.  Life is full of uncertainty and hopelessness but I know that there is something bigger out there.  This is not a matter of faith.  It is an obvious fact - just look around.  This thought is humbling enough for me to profess that I don't know it all.  To not profess that my way is better than your way and that if you do not do as I say or as 'my god' says (through a book that is obviously fallible, by the way) then you will burn in hell and until you acknowledge this 'truth', your life has no meaning is ridiculous and absurd to the nth degree.  Historical studies both of art and cultures all across the world show that humans have long been in search of the 'meaning of life' - how we got here, why we are here and the purpose of life in the first place and have created different 'truths' to make peace with these questions.  I believe that Christianity as a religion is just another anecdote to relieve these uncertainties.  What do I know about life?  I know it is a gift, I know that what I have today, this second, is all I know that I have for the rest of eternity.  I am not ready to make presumptions beyond that point.  Yes, it would be wonderful if heaven were a place where every person is happy and well and hell is place where those who intend evil on others are punished but God cannot or will not accomplish those things on earth as we know it - why would he make it  occur in another life that we have no evidence exists?  What do I want my children to know?                                

1. That life is a gift and every second should be appreciated.

2.  What we do or don't do will be carried down throughout generations and will aid in either the preservation or elimination of different aspects in our culture.

3.  Life's meaning is formed by the meaning we place on it.  You make your purpose.  Hence, what and who you live your life for is exactly what and who your life will be compiled of and this results in your influence (good or bad) on future generations and our society as a whole.

4.  What goes around, comes around.

5.  Always remain true to yourself and your creed.  Do not adopt someone else's creed as your own but use it to influence your own.  In other words, when applicable, learn from the mistakes of others but realize that your own mistakes will be made as your life progresses.  Do not adopt another's stories, make your own.

6.  Actively seek the good in others and be tolerant of their life story and religion.  Realize every person has a history that differs from yours.  Be compassionate while remembering your personal rights and theirs as well.

7.  That your family loves you unconditionally and will prove this to you by our ‘actions’ of love ~ self-denial, unwavering acceptance, hope and support, not just the inclusive ‘emotion’ of love.  Our hope is that you remain humble and use whatever gifts given you for the positive progression of yourself and the good of mankind; that you partake in actions that will result in tangible benefits that can be seen on earth, long after you are gone and that you never use god or religion as an excuse to miss out on wonderful things in life as we know it. 

8.  Your family should always be shown respect, admiration and love even if their belief system differs from yours.

Today, we completed 22-weeks of pregnancy and the time is seemingly, finally beginnning to go by a little faster.  I have grown quite a bit the last couple of weeks and have been feeling Lake move frequently.  There is absolutely no denying the inevitable ~ a baby is on the way!  The "crazy cravings" question is about to do me in and so far, I have not experienced any extremely strange ones.  So, in case you were wondering, I could eat Mexican food every meal, which really isn't that abnormal for me and whole wheat toast with a little butter and mounds of raspberry preserves sounds appetizing most any time of day.  I am possibly the most boring pregnant woman you have ever encountered so if you want to read some truly crazy cravings, go to: http://www.pregnancy-info.net/readers/do_you_have_strange_cravings/ .  I think rocks and talcum powder rank highest on the 'scale of strangeness', but I have only read into the 4th page!  

On a grateful note ~ today, I received encouragment from a teacher at work whose wife stays home with their twin daughters.  I figure if a family of four can make it in 2009 on an Oklahoma teacher's salary, there is definitely hope for us!  So, my 'stay-at-home mom' network is growing and in spite of crazy looks and discriminating comments, I know there are some who genuinely understand my conviction in this matter and are also willing to make the sacrifices that will most certainly occur.  Thanks, Josh!

Regular readers of my blog (as regular as you can be when I don't post ) will recall past thoughts concerning my lack of desire to have children and being content with the time alone my husband and I enjoy together.  Those thoughts were perhaps only partially honest.  Deep down, I have always sincerely wanted to be a mother but was not willing to face my own fears of motherhood and the reality of such responsibility.  The 'baby conversation' was always interesting.  When I wanted to bite the bullet, my husband wasn't so sure and vice-versa.  Once my sister became pregnant though, the reality of time passing us by set-in and the desire for my sister and I to have children close together and provide the fun environment we experienced while growing up took over.  DJ and I decided to cease the use of birth control the week before my adorable niece was born and figured 'getting pregnant' would take awhile, but two-weeks later, it was a done deal.  Life comes at you fast!!! In spite of the fact that I am a worry wart and I keep waiting for something to go wrong (I hate having the wind knocked out of me), I couldn't be happier or more excited.  I will share a few of the issues I settled in my mind in order get to this point ~

1. I have purposed to make motherhood fun.  Although it is a great responsibility, I don't have to do it alone.

2. Remembering that being a mother is more about who I am than who or what I want my children to be.  The last ten-years have held a lot of personal growth for me ~ many 'heavy' realizations, letting go, choosing to be content, honest with myself, authentic, courageous and strong are just a few of the lessons life has taught me these past years.  I look forward to continuing to practice the changes I have made and keep growing.

3.  My fears concerning having children had a lot to do with the interference/actions of some people close to me and their desire for control.  One thing that has stood out to me the past couple of months ~ how easy it is to give up our joy to people who really 'get under our skin.'  Now that this detriment has been realized, I refuse to allow it to continue to control my life choices. 

4.  Realizing that we will never 'have enough money' to have kids.  While it is just us, the more money we make, the more we will spend on frivolous items and ourselves.  Unless we were to win the lottery and experience a huge surplus of cash, the more we have, the more we will spend.

Just in case you thought my pregnancy news was completely crazy and I have been inauthentically talking out of both sides of my mouth these past few months, now you know, life continues to be an unpredictable journey for those who fight becoming cold and stale.